All the usual characters tread the boards in this traditional pantomime, Cinders, Prince Charming, Dandini, Buttons and a geriatric fairy godmother and a male Tinkerbell!

Read an excerpt of the script here:

Act One

Scene four

(Front of curtain in Surprise Street. Stagehand puts Surprise Street sign on stage. Set changes to the Hardup kitchen behind curtain)

Buttons: (To audience) Wow! Fantastic things these mobile phones. This must be a magic one

(Shakes it vigorously)

Voice: Owwww! Nice and gently if you please

Buttons: Who’s that?

(Looks round for the voice owner)

Voice: Me, stupid

Buttons: You stupid?

Voice: No you stupid

Buttons: I’m stupid?

Voice: You certainly are stupid

Buttons: Is that you phone? (Holds up, and stares, at mobile phone)

Voice: At last! But I’m not a youphone nor a Vodaphone I’m a Fairyphone

Buttons: What?

Voice: PARDON!

Buttons: Granted

Voice: I said I’m a fairyphone

Buttons: Ok ducky, heard you the first time

Voice: Are you after a fairy?

Buttons: (Looking very uncomfortable) well, not really, no.

Voice: Why did you call then?

Buttons: I’m after a fairy for a friend

Voice: Oh! I see. You want a fairy as a friend?

Buttons: Yes. No! I need a fairy for another friend of mine

Voice: Very well. I want you to caress my buttons very gently, then dial 999

(Buttons does this and a police siren sounds deafeningly around the hall. Buttons covers his ears and howls. Siren stops)

Voice: I do like a bit of fun

Buttons: (Shouting in a fury) where’s my fairy!?

(Loud clash of cymbals stage left. Enter stage left a dirty, scruffy, bedraggled elderly fairy, bent hat, broken wand who wanders about aimlessly, peering at Buttons and the audience)

Fairy: (To audience) is this the house of commons?

Buttons: Yes it is, their all common as muck in here

Fairy: I’ll need some help to deal with this lot. (Calls out loud) Tinkerbell!

(Music to Sugar Plum Fairy. Enter stage left a man {Tinkerbell} dressed as a fairy waving a wand and trying to dance)

Fairy: This is Tinkerbell, me apprentice

Tinkerbell: You called Gran?

Fairy: Me phone rang

Tinkerbell: Yes, but it was your magic phone Grandma, I told you to let me answer that one

Buttons: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Is this it? A geriatric nightmare and a male Fairy?

Voice (Phone) I told you I like a bit of fun

Tinker: Don’t you dare call my Grandma a geriatric nightmare or I shall …..

Fairy: What’s this thing? (Indicating Buttons)

Tinker: It’s a very rude man

Fairy: I know how to deal with very rude men

(She waves her magic wand and mutters some incomprehensible spell then slaps Buttons face. Tinker laughs, the phone laughs)

Buttons: That wasn’t very nice!

Tinker: She may be old but you should see her right hook! Was it you who rang the magic phone dear?

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