All the usual characters tread the boards in this traditional pantomime, Cinders, Prince Charming, Dandini, Buttons and a geriatric fairy godmother and a male Tinkerbell!
Read an excerpt of the script here:
Act One
Scene four
(Front of curtain in Surprise Street. Stagehand puts Surprise Street sign on stage. Set changes to the Hardup kitchen behind curtain)
Buttons: (To audience) Wow! Fantastic things these mobile phones. This must be a magic one
(Shakes it vigorously)
Voice: Owwww! Nice and gently if you please
Buttons: Who’s that?
(Looks round for the voice owner)
Voice: Me, stupid
Buttons: You stupid?
Voice: No you stupid
Buttons: I’m stupid?
Voice: You certainly are stupid
Buttons: Is that you phone? (Holds up, and stares, at mobile phone)
Voice: At last! But I’m not a youphone nor a Vodaphone I’m a Fairyphone
Buttons: What?
Voice: PARDON!
Buttons: Granted
Voice: I said I’m a fairyphone
Buttons: Ok ducky, heard you the first time
Voice: Are you after a fairy?
Buttons: (Looking very uncomfortable) well, not really, no.
Voice: Why did you call then?
Buttons: I’m after a fairy for a friend
Voice: Oh! I see. You want a fairy as a friend?
Buttons: Yes. No! I need a fairy for another friend of mine
Voice: Very well. I want you to caress my buttons very gently, then dial 999
(Buttons does this and a police siren sounds deafeningly around the hall. Buttons covers his ears and howls. Siren stops)
Voice: I do like a bit of fun
Buttons: (Shouting in a fury) where’s my fairy!?
(Loud clash of cymbals stage left. Enter stage left a dirty, scruffy, bedraggled elderly fairy, bent hat, broken wand who wanders about aimlessly, peering at Buttons and the audience)
Fairy: (To audience) is this the house of commons?
Buttons: Yes it is, their all common as muck in here
Fairy: I’ll need some help to deal with this lot. (Calls out loud) Tinkerbell!
(Music to Sugar Plum Fairy. Enter stage left a man {Tinkerbell} dressed as a fairy waving a wand and trying to dance)
Fairy: This is Tinkerbell, me apprentice
Tinkerbell: You called Gran?
Fairy: Me phone rang
Tinkerbell: Yes, but it was your magic phone Grandma, I told you to let me answer that one
Buttons: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Is this it? A geriatric nightmare and a male Fairy?
Voice (Phone) I told you I like a bit of fun
Tinker: Don’t you dare call my Grandma a geriatric nightmare or I shall …..
Fairy: What’s this thing? (Indicating Buttons)
Tinker: It’s a very rude man
Fairy: I know how to deal with very rude men
(She waves her magic wand and mutters some incomprehensible spell then slaps Buttons face. Tinker laughs, the phone laughs)
Buttons: That wasn’t very nice!
Tinker: She may be old but you should see her right hook! Was it you who rang the magic phone dear?
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